Shanzhai Lu

photo: CC // the camera is a toy

So I got a call yesterday from a good friend of mine.

He needed some advice that included a big choice to make.

I gave him a good half hour of the advice part. The choice was still up to him. 

And without getting into the details of our conversation

I did leave him with three things to keep in mind.

Be honest with your feelings.

Never leave anything on the table.

Always err on the side of love.

I know, some oddly optimistic advice coming from someone who doesn't have much of a track record on this stuff lately.

Despite -- or maybe because of -- all the crap I've gone through in my own life, I still believe in these simple rules for myself. I say myself because you can't always help who you fall in love with or how they will react to how you feel but I reached a point in my life recently where I am always honest with my feelings, I never leave anything on the table and I always err on the side of following my heart. Even if it takes me places I didn't want to end up in. It's always worth it.

So anyways...

I get a text message this morning that made me smile.

All I got to say is, if these two get married down the not so long road...

I won't take the credit for it.

But I at least better get a wedding invite out of it

and when I do, I'm going to be that pushy friend who asks the DJ to play this song.

Because it's Jack Johnson. And he knows what's up.

Better Together
~Jack Johnson

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together

[Chorus:]
MMM it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at them stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll Sit beneath the mango tree now

It's always better when we're together
Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

MMmmmm MMMmmmm Mmmmmm
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.

photo: cc // pattyequalsawesome

i had one of these days today.

i need to write about it so i can look back a few months from now and say "yea, i remember that day. it was pretty messed up. glad i'm in a better space now" this is going to be that kind of blog post. for me. feel free to read along and relate ...or not.

i found out this morning that my uncle's lung cancer was back. he fought it 3 years ago and came out of the surgery and chemo treatments looking like he had aged a decade. i was glad to see him recover. he was just at my son's 5th birthday party the other day too. this is the kind of shit life throws that i hate. my thoughts are with my aunt and cousin and best wishes with my uncle that he gets through this fight again.

i already know that this time of year gets kind of funky for me. it always starts with Labor Day weekend. my mind wanders back and forth between the happiness of my son's birth and the missing auntie of his who got married during Labor Day weekend the year before and then took her own life a month after.

then there's National Suicide Prevention Week. it's this week. each year it gets easier to deal with ...and as it gets easier to deal with, i find myself making use of the strength built on top of the scar tissue and find myself wanting to do my little part to send out some awareness messages about suicide.

so i send this tweet out with a link to a good Huffington Post post on how to help save a young life from suicide. I usually get some good retweets from really great people who spread the word -- and feel good about doing my little part to raise a bit of awareness. no big deal right?

but then i get a reply from a nice woman just a minute after that tweet and she says "@christinelu I lost my 12 year old daughter... It means so much to have all this awareness... God bless xx" -- and i lost it. started fucking crying. 12 year old daughter. i can't stand it. can you imagine? i can't. but many of us are parents with young children. can you imagine losing your 12 year old daughter in this way? my already emotional train wreck of a day got really really sad when reading that.

so i went for a run. i loved it.  i put an Imogen Heap song on repeat for an hour and just ran. 6 miles today. it was good for me. some people can sit still in one place and meditate. i need to move. in the process of challenging myself to run a marathon this year, i've picked up my own version of meditiation. a lot of things that have been weighing on me lately usually get a bit of clarity or worked out following one of these runs.

the good thing is, days like this remind me that all the other stuff i've been stressing out over is really small stupid shit in the big scheme of things. the startup i'm excited about is just a startup i'm excited about. the money that i need to make to support myself and my son ...is just money that can be made when it needs to be made. and i've been doing a pretty good job at it since the divorce. and the silly summer crush i had on a guy i don't really know is just a silly crush i had on a guy who doesn't really know me. so there you go. little things in life solved from a 6 mile run.

so i get back from my run and get pulled into some extended family issues in Taiwan that i was hoping to avoid getting involved with. i realized today i had no choice. my mom needs my help. if you ever want to understand why i don't care about money, just remind me to share the story of how it destroyed my family in Taiwan over the last few decades. seriously sad.

and then there's my mom. if you think this time of year is bad on me, you only need to look at my mom. it's really sad actually. she still hasn't forgiven herself all these years. she thinks she pushed my sister to the brink of burnout at age 30. which is ridiculous. but it's hard to get through to her when she's feeling this way. every year i have to remind her that she's got 3 other kids (me included) who are alive, doing well and need her to try and find some balance and peace when all is said and done. it's really hard though. there are some things that i believe you can never fully heal from. losing a child to suicide the way my mom lost my sister is one of them.

so anyways, before you go thinking i'm a big bucket of tears. i'm fine. it's just one of those days. we all have them and we should be allowed to ride it out and let it take us where we need to go sometimes.

i had one of these days today.

photo: CC // Taylor.McBride

"If you can't change a situation,

you can at least change the way it makes you feel.

And that, in its own way,

will change everything..."

~J.Cainer

I have a friend big brother named Doug.

Doug and I moved to China around the same time in 1999.

I was young, naive, fresh out of college and lost in Shanghai.

He was a fashion designer from Malaysia who had lived in New York, Milan and Paris before moving to China.

The city was a tough place for a girl like me to live in during those years.

Doug's friendship made it fun and gave me a sense of purpose and place.

My first time in a gay bar was with Doug and his friends in 2000.

Oksana and I spent the whole night turning it into a Gay 101 class. We got to ask every question we've always wanted to know about gay culture. From innocent to insulting to perverted to curious. They answered every one openly and we all laughed hysterically at the fact that our minds were forever corrupted -- but also opened at the same time. To this day, Doug still tells people the story of that night. It cracks us up every time.

Almost a year later, Oksana passed away on Christmas Eve alone in her apartment in Shanghai. She never made it to the party that night. It was Doug who went to check on her early the next morning and found her dead in her living room from carbon monoxide poisoning caused by a stupid faulty water heater installed the wrong way by her landlord. She was only 19.

In 2003 when I broke up with my boyfriend of almost four years, I so wanted a break from men, relationships and dating. Erica was right there with me and we spent the year hanging out with Doug and his friends. Shopping and champagne brunches on Sunday became a tradition. Seriously, every straight woman needs a fabulous gay friend in her life. You're missing out if you don't. They're good for your self esteem. They make you feel fabulous. They'll shop with you for hours. If you're insecure about jealous women, at least you don't have to worry about your gay friend stealing your man. What more can you ask for ladies? I digress.

In 2004 when I moved back to the states, I lost track of Doug for a few years after my sister's suicide and during my very sad and emotionally abusive marriage. Borrowing a recent phrase from a friend who described his own period of time as his "lost years" -- These were mine. I isolated myself from people who cared about me because I was in denial about the man I married that my friends had warned me about. I insulated myself with the insecurity and familiarity of a slow downward spiral instead. I never want to be in that situation again. I'm glad I pulled out of it.

In 2007 my marriage ended and I started to climb myself out of my "lost years" -- I had no choice, I had a son to support and an ex-husband who wanted nothing to do with us. So I started building myself back up on a foundation based on the old China that I had learned from and the new China I had to play catch up with. I started a company that had me traveling back to Shanghai again.

Guess who had -- and still has -- a spare bedroom, a big hug and good conversation waiting for me each time in Shanghai?

Doug.

So now that you've read this far, you get the picture.

There's a guy named Doug. He lives in Shanghai. He's an awesome friend who I love very much.

Doug loves Andre.

Andre loves Doug.

Like many committed gay couples, their relationship has lasted longer than many straight marriages I know - including mine.

I love both of them and am waiting for the day I get an invite to their wedding.

In the meantime, I feel sorry for people out there who can't understand this.

I live my life with a passion that I only just discovered and embraced in recent years.

It took me decades to understand that it's ok to follow my heart

...and own the words that come from it.

So for those of you who don't understand why people like me support causes like this.

Maybe you need a friend in your life like Doug.

**UPDATE

Here's the final shot from the NOH8 Shoot last month featuring Viv, me and Mona.

Note: You can check out Mona's awesome post about our day at the NOH8 Campaign open shoot at OC Pride here.

photo: CC // xcode

So I was thinking about where I was at the start of this summer ...and where I'm heading going into the fall.

<insert understatement>

A lot has changed.

</insert understatement>

This most recent trip to New York was a bit surreal. It feels like all the plates I've been spinning for the past year are now moving in the right direction.

Finally.

At the same time, the right direction it turns out happens to be a different direction than what I've been planning for.

Different is good. But change is always a bit scary at first.

For starters, a city I always said I hated is going to be one I'm going to be spending a lot more time in.

I said I always hated it, because I never really had a reason to be there.

Now i'm super excited because I have several. 

But at the same time, I'm feeling a bit anxious about it.

For a number of reasons.

A shift in a new direction means a shift away from another.

That's sort of freaking me out right now.

So how does one deal with trying to align the heart and mind?

You'd think with all the profound changes in my life I'd be getting a bit new age right about now and lighting candles while I meditate.

Nope. Apparently hanging out with uber startup geeks in the past year has re-wired the way my brain works.

I went to bed early last night trying to catch up on some much needed sleep.

I woke up this morning at 5am and found myself relating my life to a blog post I read last year by Eric Ries about pivoting.

As he says...

"So how do you know it's time to change direction? And how do you pick a new direction? These are challenging questions, among the hardest that an early startup team will have to grapple with. Some startups fail because the founders can't have this conversation - they either blow up when they try, or they fail to change because they are afraid of conflict. Both are lethal outcomes.

I want to introduce the concept of the pivot, the idea that successful startups change directions but stay grounded in what they've learned. They keep one foot in the past and place one foot in a new possible future. Over time, this pivoting may lead them far afield from their original vision, but if you look carefully, you'll be able to detect common threads that link each iteration."

Yes, you have permission to laugh at me and call me a nerd.

But to the extent that life can feel like you're in perpetual startup mode

I'd say the pivot is just as effective as lighting candles.

But just in case, i'll add an Enya track to my playlist before today's run.

I was looking for some sort of reset button for my life and found it here in Hawaii.

Six summers ago, I was actually living here in Waikiki.

Completely burnt out and hung over from five insanely fast years in Shanghai.

I wanted a place I could just stay still in for a while as the rest of my life caught up to where I had been and where I was going.

I was looking for some sort of reset button for my life and found it here in Hawaii.

Then events in my life pulled me away from this island before I was ready to go.

Yet emotionally I never really left. I know this from the sense of place I feel each time I visit.

And I've visited about 9 times in the last year and a half alone.

So I think it was only a matter of time until I found my way back again.

And while I still have yet to pick up the tangible pieces of my life and ship them over here in the coming months…

In my mind, I've already moved back.

photo: CC // Anna Gay

self-efficacy: a fancy academic way of describing someone who's not only brave enough to reach for the stars ...but crazy enough to believe they can touch them too.

I had a very interesting lunch meeting today

with a very interesting person

who has lived a very interesting life.

As a husband, he is still in love with the woman he was set up on a blind date with many many years ago.

As a father, he's raised three wonderful boys who mean the world to him.

As a record industry exec in the 80s, he was there when signing "a relatively unknown band at the time called Guns n Roses" - I must look younger than I am because he said it in a way where he really didn't think I knew who they were.

As an art collector 6 years ago, he stumbled upon the talent of a young contemporary Chinese artist whose work is now worth -- well, let's just say a whole heck of a lot more now than before she became famous.

As a man now in his mid-50s he attributes his own financial success to some big wins accompanied by a lot of failures in between.

As an entrepreneur on his second China venture -- or should we say ADVENTURE -- he prides himself in proudly but modestly recognizing things on the verge of breaking through to another level -- years before everyone else catches on. Hey, I believe him. See above mention of relatively unknown band called Guns n Roses for proof. Child of the 80s here. Enough said.

Anyways, so with that in mind, towards the end of our lunch he told me about a Harvard study that was conducted on a bunch of successful people from all walks of society.

He asked me if i knew what the single common trait was that they found in all these successful people.

Their education? I asked.

No.

Their family background? I asked again.

No.

Their upbringing? I asked for the third time.

No.

Ok. Then what? I asked.

A high level of self-efficacy. He said.

Self what? -- crap! -- I was thinking. I really don't get what that means. I feel stupid.

Self-efficacy. A person's belief in themselves that they can succeed in what they set out to do. You have it. He said.

(or something like that. paraphrasing at this point. but you get the picture.)

Thank you, I said.

So we talked a bit more about the new company I'm working on. He gave me some advice ...along with some stuff to research and some valuable contacts to follow up on before our next lunch in a few weeks -- a process I have nicknamed "startup founder homework". I love it. I embrace it. It's invaluable. I digress.

After lunch, I picked up some cupcakes for my son. Yes, that was me you might have seen walking blindly for a few blocks in Santa Monica, almost tripping on my platform shoes because I had my face down in my iPhone googling "self-efficacy". After all, when someone goes out of their way to spend some time sharing their life lessons and then pays you a compliment (and teaches you a new word) after learning a bit about your life, you owe it to yourself to at least read the wikipedia page on the term to make sure you understand what it means:

Self-efficacy has been defined in a variety of ways: as the belief that one is capable of performing in a certain manner to attain certain goals,^[1] as a person’s belief about their capabilities to produce designated levels of performance that exercise influence over events that affect their lives.^[2] It is a belief that one has the capabilities to execute the courses of actions required to manage prospective situations.

Awesome.

[insert confidence here]

I have self-efficacy.

Although, I didn't always have it. I know that much. Pretty sure I picked it up during this little five year journey I've been on.

Being that I'm a simple person who needs to break things down in easy to understand terms, my remixed definition of self-efficacy would be that it's a fancy academic way of describing someone who's not only brave enough to reach for the stars ...but crazy enough to believe they can touch them too.

That's my version. Actually, come to think of it, just pay close attention to the people I've chosen to surround myself with in recent years. They all definitely have a high level of self-efficacy too.

Not a coincidence I would say.

Reminds me of a recent conversation I had with my friend Dan Martell. We were catching up on the phone and looking back on how much we had both done in the last 12 months since the first GeeksOnAPlane Asia trip. The paraphrased dialog went something like this:

Holy shit we've done a lot in the past 12 months. He said.

That's because we're the type of people that likes to get shit done and we hang out with other people who like to get shit done. So when people who get shit done hang out with other people who get shit done. Guess what? Shit gets done. I said.

(Yes. You can ask him. I really said the word shit a lot of times during that phone call. It is most certainly in fact Dave McClure's influence.) 

I digress again.

So yea, that's all I have to say about today's awesome lunch meeting.

Oh and by the way, if you're reading this and you already knew what self-efficacy meant ...well, then good for you. Do me a favor and be sure to treat yourself to a cookie this week ...and make sure to share the cookie and pass on a moment of inspiration with someone the way a friend did for me at lunch today.

photo: CC // seyed mostafa zamani

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate standing still in a shallow little puddle of

indecision.

So a recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about something I read once.

Below are a few simple sentences for any situation where mind keeps heart from taking chances that move us forward.

You have to ask yourself if you really want what you say you want.

If you don't, stop telling yourself that you do.

If you do, stop telling yourself that it's impossible.

~j.cainer

The problem with living life in perpetual overdrive is you sometimes get a bit too caught up in the moment of any number of things you have going on at any given time. So the beauty of self awareness is knowing when you need to downshift a bit to give clarity a chance to catch up with you.

Today was one of those days.

And for no special reason, anniversary or obligation I felt like dropping by my sister's place. So I went. Put some flowers down. Sat on the grass. Looked out at the city. Cried a bit. Thought a lot. Waited for some perspective to come along. Got up. Said goodbye and went on the rest of the day feeling better about the expected -- and unexpected -- changes occurring in my life right now.

Catching up at lunch yesterday I was telling my insanely smart friend Kevin about this frustration of mine.

He said I was a Tummler.

So now I feel much better going into the new year feeling like there's a place for me at the big kids table.

But I'm still not sure how to answer the "what do you do" question.