i ignore the rear view mirror. but i know it's there.
This time of year has sucked for the past five years since my sister killed herself in 2004. She was married in September. I was married in October (eloped). She died in late October. I helped bury her in early November. I became pregnant that December. I hate this time of year. Too many memories in the rear view mirror. So I try to ignore it. But I know it's there. So I try and keep busy.Sort of like watching a movie the second or third time around where there's a scene you know is coming up that you don't want to watch. So you fumble around for the remote control and hit the fast forward button. That's me around this time of year. Keeping busy is my fast forward button. But sometimes in the process of staying busy you still come across things that have a way of making you burst into tears without warning. I was flying back from Shanghai last week. On the decent into SFO, the plane flew by the Bay Bridge.
"Ladies and gentleman, if you look to the left you'll see the Bay Bridge that connects Oakland with San Francisco."
Yea, I remember the Bay Bridge and the last and only time I was in Oakland in 2004. Six months before she died. We were in the backyard of her friend's place after a day of getting fitted for our bridesmaid dresses -- which surprisingly, wasn't ugly -- and she told me for the first time that she had been clinically depressed for two years. And I was an idiot and said "What the hell do you have to be depressed about. You're a Harvard MBA with a 6 figure income at a big tech company and you're getting married." Wrong answer. Stupid me. What did I know. So she says "Yea, well. There was a stretch of 6 months where not a day would go by that I didn't think about driving my car off the Bay Bridge."
But I swear. She said it in past tense. And her tone at the time of saying it sounded normal. In hindsight, it probably was her antidepressants keeping her leveled. I don't know. But still, what she said was my first wake up call. I don't remember how I answered. I just remember thinking "Holy shit. She's not kidding."
She didn't drive off the Bay Bridge. That's not how she killed herself. But it's a conversation I remember and it's a moment in my life that I wish I could take back and redo a different way. Every time someone says Bay Bridge, this is what I think about. Sucks huh?
So yea. I ignore the rear view mirror. Most of the times. But I know it's there.
