Shanzhai Lu

this is such an awesome song. i had it on repeat part of the day while procrastinating on my project. reminds me of someone. then again, a lot of songs have that effect on people yea?

Hide and Seek
~Imogen Heap

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

...so i'm sitting here with a big cup of green tea and my son's leftover birthday cake still working on these 8 pages. I think they had a feeling some of us would run into a bit of writer's block. Just re-read this little note that came with the kit that was mailed to me. The shot in the arm I needed for my procrastination.

So while I keep working on getting this done, I don't think I'm giving anything away by sharing it. It's a nice read. So here ya go...

For Those Who Inscribe

"When we create, when we work for the new or push ourselves ahead in search of fulfillment and change, we do so in a collective progress. Then, we step into the unknown together, ready to shape what's coming.

Innovators, change-agents, artists, creative thinkers and progressives are the culmination of so many influential and inspiring people who have come before and opened our eyes to other worlds of thought. We look to our mentors, teachers, and peers who continually build us into citizens of the planet.

We walk with their energy and then add our own. We, in turn, become mediums of what's possible.

In sharing the expression of your talents, experiences and the difference you've made within these pages, by describing who has influenced you and pushed you to be who you are, you also tell us who we are.

And thus, you inspire in us the passion to take action, have impact, find responsibility, help others, and move forward in the mutual endeavor of shaping what's to come."

photo: cc // Ashley Rose

A few weeks ago, I was sitting on an airplane about to take off for Honolulu when I get an email that says a bunch of stuff including this:

"You have been hand selected to be one of just 12 women in the US to contribute to [the project] due to your involvement and leadership in shaping future global business and forums to express open thinking, trade and ideas...

...[the project] will be displayed and shared at a gallery event at the inaugural TEDWomen’s Conference in Washington, D.C. in December. "

Pretty awesome huh?

When I got back from San Francisco on Wednesday there was a package with 8 big blank pages waiting for me to fill with people who have influenced me. People who have had a big impact on my life and helped me become whoever it is I am right now.

Pretty intense. Makes you all reflective and stuff.

So as I work to finish this by tomorrow, I've had a few moments along the way where my face gets all messy because I think about how proud my sister would be of me if she was still here.

At the same time I know I wouldn't have been selected for something like this if she was still alive.

Why? Because a big part of how I live my life today is influenced by her death.

The life I was meant to live began the day she ended hers. 

How bittersweet and ironic.

I'm Yours
~Jason Mraz

Well you've done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, were just one big family
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Do you want to, come on, scootch over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'll be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
so please don't please don't please don't.
There's no need to complicate
'cause our time is short
This oh this oh this is our fate I'm yours

Oh I'm yours

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

...was thinking of this song by Imogen Heap today on my run. haven't heard it since last year at TEDGlobal. i was sitting somewhere in the first 5 rows there amazed at how awesome she was. 

Wait It Out
~ Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
In the shatter of us collapsed.
That cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says: "Time heals everything."
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
Turning the sign around;
We're closed to the Earth 'til further notice.
Stumbling cliché case -
Crumpled and puffy-faced -
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want: only one street-level miracle.
I'll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

Everybody says that time heals everything all in the end.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?
We'll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
'round old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
For all we could and should be being
In the one life that we've got.

(Musical interlude)
In the one life that we've got.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out?
Sit here. Just going to wait it out?
Sit here cold. Just going to sweat it out?

Wait it out.

photo: CC // Taylor.McBride

"If you can't change a situation,

you can at least change the way it makes you feel.

And that, in its own way,

will change everything..."

~J.Cainer

photo: CC // shewatchedthesky▲

I've spent the past few months standing on the sideline

Not sure what to say.

Not sure exactly what you were going through.

So I just kept you in my thoughts and hoped you'd get better.

And I asked you to start writing. And I'm so glad you did.

It was for selfish reasons.

I wanted to better understand what you were going through.

It's my way of staying in touch and checking up on you.

The problem is, you're still in pain.

And I hate seeing you like this.

I know you know i'm reading it.

I know you know that you were there for me a few years ago.

So why wouldn't I do the same?

I know it's not much but I just wanted you to know that even though you want to be alone right now.

You're not.

There's a bunch of us who care about you.

And even though you say you want to die.

You won't.

Because I know you'll pull through this.

I'm not talking to that stubborn head of yours right now.

I'm talking to that good heart you don't give yourself credit for having.

So here's another drive by hug from me.

And no, this is not some bullshit hallmark card telling you to get better.

This is your stubborn bitch of a friend who loves you and is reminding you you're not alone.

xoxo

I have a friend big brother named Doug.

Doug and I moved to China around the same time in 1999.

I was young, naive, fresh out of college and lost in Shanghai.

He was a fashion designer from Malaysia who had lived in New York, Milan and Paris before moving to China.

The city was a tough place for a girl like me to live in during those years.

Doug's friendship made it fun and gave me a sense of purpose and place.

My first time in a gay bar was with Doug and his friends in 2000.

Oksana and I spent the whole night turning it into a Gay 101 class. We got to ask every question we've always wanted to know about gay culture. From innocent to insulting to perverted to curious. They answered every one openly and we all laughed hysterically at the fact that our minds were forever corrupted -- but also opened at the same time. To this day, Doug still tells people the story of that night. It cracks us up every time.

Almost a year later, Oksana passed away on Christmas Eve alone in her apartment in Shanghai. She never made it to the party that night. It was Doug who went to check on her early the next morning and found her dead in her living room from carbon monoxide poisoning caused by a stupid faulty water heater installed the wrong way by her landlord. She was only 19.

In 2003 when I broke up with my boyfriend of almost four years, I so wanted a break from men, relationships and dating. Erica was right there with me and we spent the year hanging out with Doug and his friends. Shopping and champagne brunches on Sunday became a tradition. Seriously, every straight woman needs a fabulous gay friend in her life. You're missing out if you don't. They're good for your self esteem. They make you feel fabulous. They'll shop with you for hours. If you're insecure about jealous women, at least you don't have to worry about your gay friend stealing your man. What more can you ask for ladies? I digress.

In 2004 when I moved back to the states, I lost track of Doug for a few years after my sister's suicide and during my very sad and emotionally abusive marriage. Borrowing a recent phrase from a friend who described his own period of time as his "lost years" -- These were mine. I isolated myself from people who cared about me because I was in denial about the man I married that my friends had warned me about. I insulated myself with the insecurity and familiarity of a slow downward spiral instead. I never want to be in that situation again. I'm glad I pulled out of it.

In 2007 my marriage ended and I started to climb myself out of my "lost years" -- I had no choice, I had a son to support and an ex-husband who wanted nothing to do with us. So I started building myself back up on a foundation based on the old China that I had learned from and the new China I had to play catch up with. I started a company that had me traveling back to Shanghai again.

Guess who had -- and still has -- a spare bedroom, a big hug and good conversation waiting for me each time in Shanghai?

Doug.

So now that you've read this far, you get the picture.

There's a guy named Doug. He lives in Shanghai. He's an awesome friend who I love very much.

Doug loves Andre.

Andre loves Doug.

Like many committed gay couples, their relationship has lasted longer than many straight marriages I know - including mine.

I love both of them and am waiting for the day I get an invite to their wedding.

In the meantime, I feel sorry for people out there who can't understand this.

I live my life with a passion that I only just discovered and embraced in recent years.

It took me decades to understand that it's ok to follow my heart

...and own the words that come from it.

So for those of you who don't understand why people like me support causes like this.

Maybe you need a friend in your life like Doug.

Note: My apologies to Mona for cutting her out of the above photo - again. I didn't want people thinking she was Doug. But you can check out her awesome post about our day at the NOH8 Campaign open shoot at OC Pride here.

photo: CC // xcode

So I was thinking about where I was at the start of this summer ...and where I'm heading going into the fall.

<insert understatement>

A lot has changed.

</insert understatement>

This most recent trip to New York was a bit surreal. It feels like all the plates I've been spinning for the past year are now moving in the right direction.

Finally.

At the same time, the right direction it turns out happens to be a different direction than what I've been planning for.

Different is good. But change is always a bit scary at first.

For starters, a city I always said I hated is going to be one I'm going to be spending a lot more time in.

I said I always hated it, because I never really had a reason to be there.

Now i'm super excited because I have several. 

But at the same time, I'm feeling a bit anxious about it.

For a number of reasons.

A shift in a new direction means a shift away from another.

That's sort of freaking me out right now.

So how does one deal with trying to align the heart and mind?

You'd think with all the profound changes in my life I'd be getting a bit new age right about now and lighting candles while I meditate.

Nope. Apparently hanging out with uber startup geeks in the past year has re-wired the way my brain works.

I went to bed early last night trying to catch up on some much needed sleep.

I woke up this morning at 5am and found myself relating my life to a blog post I read last year by Eric Ries about pivoting.

As he says...

"So how do you know it's time to change direction? And how do you pick a new direction? These are challenging questions, among the hardest that an early startup team will have to grapple with. Some startups fail because the founders can't have this conversation - they either blow up when they try, or they fail to change because they are afraid of conflict. Both are lethal outcomes.

I want to introduce the concept of the pivot, the idea that successful startups change directions but stay grounded in what they've learned. They keep one foot in the past and place one foot in a new possible future. Over time, this pivoting may lead them far afield from their original vision, but if you look carefully, you'll be able to detect common threads that link each iteration."

Yes, you have permission to laugh at me and call me a nerd.

But to the extent that life can feel like you're in perpetual startup mode

I'd say the pivot is just as effective as lighting candles.

But just in case, i'll add an Enya track to my playlist before today's run.

photo: CC // HocusFocusClick

How could the caterpillar even begin to imagine, what the butterfly sees?

If the caterpillar had a vision.
If the caterpillar understood what was going to happen.
If the caterpillar knew that there was going to be a metamorphous.
Could the caterpillar really imagine what this new existence would be like?

One day, the butterfly breaks out of it's cocoon and soars off into it's new world, leaving an empty shell behind.
The butterfly looked back and remembered how she once believed that the leaves in the butterfly's old world were the most important things in the universe.
The butterfly saw things that the butterfly had never known existed, and could not have conceived.

We spend most of our lifetimes like a caterpillar struggling to survive, and only thinking of our immediate needs.
The metamorphous which we undergo is extremely painful, but unless we endure the change, we will remain as caterpillars.

When we live with our souls, we are like a butterfly, gliding above the ground and enjoying the true beauty of the world.

We have to accept the analogy of the caterpillar and the butterfly, and we have to know that the transformation will be worth the pain.

~T.Kohet